relationships

“Find it,” we said. “There be the chest inside with gold.” And we took ‘em all. We spent ‘em and traded ‘em and frittered ‘em away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave ‘em away, the more we came to realize the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Turner, compelled by greed we were. But now — now we are consumed by it… (Captain Barbossa, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)

I have thought a lot about relationships lately, especially marriage. A friend and I were talking about Christian people we have met online and sometimes later in person. Many Christians are leaving the churches in droves today because of some search for authenticity and relationship. A good number of them have websites dedicated to the purpose. We have met some of these people either in person or by phone or what-have-you. There is the good and the bad.

First of all, they are like any other group of people. In addition to a living faith, many of them still fight some pretty deep dregs of sin, perhaps exacerbated by deep wounds. My friend and I are both single — I am divorced (md. three and one-half years, divorced 24 years), she never having married. We often laugh about where we stack up in the Christian life — I being persona non grata according to the “old school” because of a divorce, though I’ve lived a pretty clean lifestyle; she being okay in the same “old school” even though in the past she led a wild lifestyle (because at least she is not divorced). We sometimes scratch our heads and wonder how they work these things out.

Occasionally, we discuss men and marriage — whether or not we could ever do it and whether it’s worth it. One would think that the easiest route would be to find a nice, Christian man and go from there. But it’s not that simple. We already knew that many people who self-identify as “Christian” are pretty messed up — even deceitful at times. We once thought that those sincere, looking-for-authenticity type people would be a step removed from all that, but sorry to say that’s not necessarily true.

We have both met amazingly insightful men who run websites for the out-of-church believers and see some incredible spiritual truths. Sometimes we have met them on Christian forums and sometimes we have contacted them directly through their websites. We thought we had found kindred spirits on the journey. (And maybe we sort of did, but didn’t realize how many “demons” some of these men still deal with.) They are not the only gifted men we have found who fight demons. Not all have websites, but some have amazing ministries that make you stand in awe looking from the outside in. Here I must inject that we were not looking for romantic partners when we met these men, but we thought that if we ever found a man worth having, he might come from the “authentic” group.

The sad thing is that, having found what we thought were kindred spirits, we were sometimes disappointed by the nastiness we discovered with in-person, by-phone, by-email encounters. Sometimes we didn’t pick up on a problem until well into the dialogue that had lasted maybe months and maybe a few years. I met a few men whose big thing was exposing the institutional churches. They had some profound insights but many of them were going in circles, heading nowhere, growing roots in resentment and content to point fingers at others. What were they really looking for, I wondered?

One man we met was interested in freeing people from bondage to the church systems. He offered genuine encouragement to those suffering from church abuse. One day I pointed out an academic flaw in one of his articles that would have changed his whole institutional church conspiracy theory, and I guess he resented it though he never addressed it. (I should not have forgotten that even Christian men retain male egos.) He preferred to wallow in his ego rather than own up to the truth — that not every act of the institutional church was wrong or designed to ensnare anybody. I discovered the hard way that this man did not love the brethren unless they agreed with him. Every time I wrote to him after that, he had some hateful remark to make. Shame on me for feeling sorry for people with these horror testimonies of escaping the churches. I saw that I could not make this man see beyond the dark box he had locked himself into. I let the relationship go, seeing that there was nothing I could say that he would not take umbrage with after that.

My experience with this man was nothing compared to that of the friend I mentioned earlier. I had met the man in person with his wife, my friend met him without his wife. The difference was night and day. This friend of mine was going to meet this man with another friend for some fellowship and then she started getting vibes that this man wanted to be alone with her and spend all his time with her. Now this man’s dear, sainted wife had stood by him through every trial of his life — but it seems that he had had an argument with her shortly before taking off to meet my friend and her company. The man did everything he could to be alone with my female friend, but fortunately she had some help from people who wouldn’t leave her alone with him. I was sorely disappointed to hear about this episode.

This is not the only incident we have encountered like this from out-of-churchers. Nor is it to say that we haven’t met some really wonderful men and their wives who carry on nothing like this. Of course, you can only surmise what has happened to create negative situations like I described above. My friend describes the man as condemning of others who don’t measure up, but perfectly willing to forget what is good when it comes to his own unhappiness. In some cases, I detect that I have met an unhappy man who is trying to do what is right by an unhappy marriage and struggling to sort things out within himself. Some of these men, I think, have either caused their wives distress in the past, or have given in to a fantasy that if they only meet a good Christian woman who shares their vision that an adulterous affair will be more blessed than their marriage. Say again? I don’t know — I only surmise what goes through people’s heads. I sure know what it is to feel sorry for myself and to think that others have it better. Maybe they are going through the same. Let’s look at the substance of human relations for a bit, though.

My purpose in bringing all this up wasn’t to talk about “cheatin’ hearts” or anything like that. I had more in mind the issues of trust and loyalty. So little is nailed down anymore when it comes to the stability of any of our relationships, and the Christian community is not immune from the emotional confusion in the air. How’s does one walk about with integrity in such a charged atmosphere? Maybe some people get lost in their imaginations about what else is “out there” and don’t get it together until they are completely skinned and flayed.

There’s nothing “out there”. Grow up. That’s the part that brings you to the end of yourself — when you realize that you are chasing a will-o’-the-wisp.

Look! The moonlight shows us all for what we really are. We are not among the living and so we cannot die. Neither are we dead. For too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I’ve been starvin’ to death and haven’t died. I feel nothin’ — not the wind on my face or the spray o’ the sea…or the warmth of a woman’s flesh. (Captain Barbossa, Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)

All those “better” people who are “out there” are fig newtons of the imagination. It wasn’t actually the problem with Christians that made me think of this but a situation with non-Christians that came into my circle. It dawned on me that they aren’t so dissimilar — it’s pure flesh nature operating through the imagination. We don’t like to suffer, don’t understand the source of our suffering, and start imagining a world “out there” that is ours for the choosing. We carry the seeds of our own destruction. If we but choose it and find that “better” person or that fix, if it really is better than what we have, it will surely reject our company with good reason. After all, what “better” individual (think “delusional dupe” at best) could possibly choose us after we have proven ourselves ready to bolt in the face of trouble?

Given the difficulties of knowing people thoroughly these days, and given the fact that we meet so many by phone, email, or very briefly coming and going, I asked my friend, “How could you even meet a man these days if you wanted to get married again?” Her answer was, “I don’t know.” I remarked some years ago that the institution of dating is a joke. One cannot possibly get to know another person by dating. Give me a break. One knows people by life experience — now how do we get life experience with others when we are all too busy to engage in thoughtful communication? Shared experience follows long after communication in most cases. The difficulties of knowing others mount as you get older with more responsibilities and distractions. When you are young, you have no idea what life entails and thus no idea what traits are needed to get you through the battles that will surely meet you.

I’ve lived in so many situations of life at this point that it’s easy for me to see that today’s counselor could be tomorrow’s victim of circumstance. The subjectivity with which things and circumstances affect us can lead us anywhere from the gutter to the mountaintop. It is teaching me not to believe the circumstances any more, but the God who dwells within. Life has also taught me that it’s easier to share disasters with a single mate throughout life that you have grown together with than it is to share further disasters with other, “better” mates with whom you haven’t grown. Relationships in general are all about sharing foxholes. You better believe it — this world is a great big battlefield and you are going to field slings and arrows no matter what circumstance you find yourself in and no matter with whom.

I’ve had a few good years here where I’ve overcome some social battles as a single individual, with spiritual help from friends. Those battles have been different from the ones I previously fought. They are, by far, not nearly so horrendous as the family battles that are waged across this earth every day. Being injured by the people you are supposed to share a home with has got to be the worst battle anyone can face. Jesus did say that our enemies would be found in our own house. So before you cheat on your spouse or run off to find another “better” companion, think again. If you don’t have a battle with this one, you will most likely find it with that one. The people closest to one another often do more injury than those without ready access. It’s the condition of human sin popping out in us after hours and behind closed doors.

If I had it to do again, I would marry young. I would marry young enough that there was some hope of sharing a history that would cement us. A danger always exists, however, that two people will become so entwined with each other that they can’t see their co-dependence. So be it. Would you rather have that, or a series of people you have known for a few years apiece who bring problems from afar that you can’t see? And then, if I had it to do again, I would forget about finding the “great love of my life”. I’m not opposed to that idea; in fact, I have shed buckets of tears over its loss in my life. It is not the reality that people need to look at though. The reality is that marriage is not about a white wedding dress and “I love you.” It is about the compatibility and mutual support of foxhole buddies, honoring one another and guarding each other’s backs.

In fact, every solid relationship of any kind that requires trust is a foxhole relationship. Foxhole buddies require trust. It’s bad enough to fight the battles raging without, but what are you going to do with a battle going on in your foxhole as battle rages overhead? “Guard my back, Joe!” says the buddy as he points his rifle at the approaching enemy. So Joe does the smart thing and shoots his buddy in the back. Now the enemy has more advantage and Joe, stupid brute that he is, has left himself open to attack as well. That’s a real smart way to run a marriage, huh? Or even a friendship.

How can you know you have a good foxhole buddy until you have fought a few battles side by side with another? Having the same interests and going to the same clubs doesn’t even scratch the surface. I can’t think of a way to get these experiences except in the happenstance situations of life. My friend and I were talking about eHarmony the other day. People have recommended this to us, but maybe we both have enough reservations about the whole approach that we would both rather wait on the Lord. There are worse things than never finding one’s prince.

I hope that while we are leaving the churches, we are not embracing resentment and chasing rainbows. I hope that we really are searching for the love of Christ and learning to trust that when all else fails. It’s not a hopeless thing, this relational desire.

Grace be with you, mercy, and peace, from God the Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love. (2 John 1:3)

Toxic Success: How to Stop Striving and Start Thriving, Paul Pearsall.

Toxic success is less a state of being busy than of being constantly distracted.

Just before the holidays I ran across the book, Toxic Success, seemingly by accident. Work slows down for me at that time of year, allowing time to write, to pray, to think and to plan. It so happened that I was praying for discernment in hopes of laying down a lot of “fluff” activities that seemed to eat away at my life. I needed to identify what was important and what was not.

A colleague relieved me for lunch one day at work, but I wasn’t hungry. I was very thirsty and set out across the campus where I work in search of bottled water. I was headed to a little store just off campus when suddenly I realized that the campus bookstore was still open. I entered, intending to zoom past the souvenir section, get the water, and be done with it. At once, I noticed a book sale in the vestibule of the store and stopped, books being a terminal weakness of mine. Then I saw it – a book called Toxic Success. Thumbing through it, I was struck by its relevance to my recent prayer topic. That was all it took and I walked out of that store with both the bottled water and the book.

I was not disappointed. The day that a self-help book actually assists me is a strange day, indeed. Normally such books send me off on time wasting attempts to manage (control) some disagreeable factor in my life. The new method never lasts long because it gets crowded out by all the other factors that also beg for control. The saving grace of this book is the native Hawaiian philosophy woven throughout. Those who are plugged into “old ways” are able to observe our insanity better than we whose lives run off the ragged rhythm of Western culture.

Our perspectives on life are completely off-kilter. We trade huge portions of our lives for education and economic advancement while missing the things we most crave. The more labor saving devices we create the more we become bound to make-work that adds no value to our lives and robs us of true engagement with others. We have become a cancer of wild growth on the face of the earth with no purpose other than to expand and to consume. We know many people but we have no friends. We own so many books on finding love or caring for our families, yet we have no time for them. A friend of mine decided to move permanently to Honduras after coming back to the U.S. and finding that his friends were too busy to see him. What are we doing to ourselves and how do we slow our lives back to optimal efficiency? Does it require dropping out of the system or possibly letting a lot of pieces fall to the ground instead of trying to catch them all?

“Lucy at the Chocolate Factory” illustrates our dilemma of information overload and multi-tasking. We have so many choices now and so much information about everything we might do and are told we must do. We even overflow with information that has nothing to do with us. (Think of spam emails where the sender intends to force an engagement with information that has no relevance to us.) Every organization we associate with, even if only for a simple task we want to achieve, overloads us with yet more information and ideas and possibilities. I have come to believe that what we refer to as “senior moments” are not precursors to Alzheimer’s as much as indicators of an attention deficit disorder caused by information overload. The older you get, the more junk information you have tried to process.

I knew I had developed an attention deficit disorder in my adulthood. My mind wandered at the most inopportune moments, depression that I couldn’t put a finger on lingered, relationships and life balance were a burden to maintain. Unnamed stress created muscle tension — I had broken five teeth in my sleep. After processing so many personal issues already, I couldn’t imagine why I was still experiencing these symptoms. When I stumbled across this book, something in me went “Aha!” This is a common-sense book on the high price that our technological culture exacts from us. Here is a telling piece:

Anyone who brags of being a multitasker is confessing to being a sufferer of TSS [Toxic Success Syndrome]. Research indicates that multitasking is another name for attention deficit disorder and lack of productivity and effectiveness. More than fifty years ago, studies conducted in British textile mills showed conclusively that trying to attend to several tasks at once leads to reduced productivity, mistakes, accidents, and worker disstisfaction. When we try to multitask, we may increase our awareness but not our attention. Attention is filtering things out to focus on one thing, not trying to be aware of and deal with many things.

When I came to understand how multi-tasking and information management leads to an inability to live in the present moment, bells rang in my head. One of my favorite spiritual help books, The Sacrament of the Present Moment, by Jean-Pierre de Caussade, describes how Jesus mediates Himself to us in the present moment. Suddenly I wondered how that was possible if I wasn’t living in the present moment myself. Instead, we are programmed to live in the future of what we may yet do or what we fear may happen — or else we ruminate on past failures, what we should have done, and how we may yet rectify our mistakes.

Once we learn to live in the present, we can enjoy the little moments of our lives again and we are open to enter into what God is doing in our midst. We engage more fully the people in our lives and relationships are strengthened between us and others and between us and God.